Alright bro, I’m about to head out

I’m trying to talk myself into disappearing from the internet for a while. I’ve never done it before and I’ve been using social media since 2009 or 2010 and it really messes with my viewpoint of myself and the world. I’m also just dealing with a lot of shit mentally right now. A couple months ago I had a very bad break up, we ended up getting back together, and I wasn’t ready for it so I ended it. I’m still very much heartbroken after the first break up. I thought getting back would fix things and we could be happy again and things would go back to normal but I was wrong. I have a very hard time trusting people and have intimacy issues, it’s hard for me to be so open with a man and love him with all my being and want a future with them. Want marriage and children with them. It just seems super foreign to me. But I wanted all of that with this person, I had never loved anyone so much in my entire life. It was extreme; an obsession almost. I know that currently we’re both so “damaged” that it’s impossible for us to be together, we have too much going on upstairs that we need to figure out. All I’ve ever wanted is to love this person and be happy with them but it seems unattainable at this point. We both have to move on and focus on ourselves and heal and become better people for our future partners. No relationship has ever fucked me up this much. I want to go out and date and love someone again but it honestly scares the fuck out of me and I’ll always feel like I have to compare relationships because I’ve never felt loved by anyone like that ever. I know it’s possible it just.. doesn’t seem right? Anything regarding romance just doesn’t seem right. I have no desire to be in a relationship as of right now. I’ve have people I find very attractive message me and try to get with me, or hook up with me, I’ve had people flirt with me that I do like in a way, but it still just feels hollow or something. I’m just not okay right now, I don’t know if and when I’ll be okay, I just want to focus on myself right now and try to heal and try to force myself to understand that everything will turn out okay and one day me and him will both move on. It’s not gonna feel good for a while and that’s okay. I really gotta focus on handling this sober as well. Because all I want to do is drink and get high constantly so I can escape the bad feelings.

This was a mess and very emo but tldr, I’m depressed as fuck and just want everyone to be okay again and it’s not that easy.